January 15, 2007

• Solar System In Dispute

  EARTH, Solar System –  Officials from the Earth Embassy released a press statement yesterday announcing that it has collated a formal list of grievances to submit to the Sun for review.  The announcement comes in wake of recent protests across North America and some Asian provinces about flaws in the current calender system, which have found a voice in the recently formed Against the Sun Committee (ASC). 

  The ASC explains that Earth’s citizens have become disgruntled with certain nuances of the Earth’s orbit around the Sun, noting many difficulties the current system presents. The announcement also arrived in spite of objections from right-wing Sun advocates stating that it is the actual calender that needs revised and that the contract with the Sun is not the reason for people’s troubles.  The Sun declined to comment. 

  “It basically just points out the logistical flaws in the current agreement between the Earth and the Sun,” said Michael Drenner, a spokesman from Earth Embassy.  “The list of grievances contains simple and practical revisions that need to be addressed.”

  According to the ASC, one particular difficulty in the current system is that there are not enough minutes in the day.  “Many students stay up until 1 or 2 A.M just trying to finish simple homework assignments,” said ASC official Robert Grey, “It’s ridiculous the way the system works.  It needs to change.”

  Cheryl Robins, currently a student at Ohio State University, added, “My friends make fun of me for not eating breakfast, but I really just don’t have time.  I love eating, but with how jammed my days are, well, let’s just say even a banana takes time to peel.”

  Other ASC reports show that most citizens suffer from the lack of minutes in a day.  Statistics show that 78% of people who keep “to do lists” do not complete them on the average day.   In a more specifically relevant survey, 56% of Earth’s citizens say that they could “definitely use more time in a given day.” 

  “The problem is that the modern world includes more activities,” said ASC researcher Tracy Hoyle.  “In ancient times people had simpler lives and could live on the 24-hour system without any problems.  But times have changed, which means time has to change too.” 

  The Earth’s current contract with the Sun, which expires in the year 3028, has been in place since Julius Caesar negotiated it with the Sun in the year 51 B.C.  Under this contract, the Earth orbits the Sun every 365.24 days.  A day, which lasts twenty-four hours, is really the main objection to the current system, but a change in orbit would likewise change the time in a day.  Other objections are also circulating on blogs in the Gregorian world.

  “Let’s face it, Monday is a terrible way to spend 1/7th of your life,” says Brian Jones.  “If your birthday is on a Monday you might as well not celebrate it until Tuesday, because Mondays are just sad.” 

  Statistics also support this find, showing that 100% of people in the Gregorian world hate Mondays “with all their heart.”  The movement to send Monday into oblivion has been vehemently opposed by Emo music producers and artists, saying their sales tend to skyrocket on Mondays compared to any other day of the week.

  Protests concerning the Earth’s orbit around the Sun have largely been in response to an inundation of anti-Sun propoganda started by several authors.  One of them, Daniel Tavenor, has written such bestsellers as The Last Sunset and Grab Your Sunglasses.  In regard to the announcement by the Earth Embassy, Tavenor said, “Good.  It’s about time the Sun starts to feel the heat.” 

  Lee Craig, author of Sunny Side Down, noticed that global warming could be treated more effectively if the Earths’ contract with the Sun was renegotiated.  “People got very upset about global warming, but they looked in the wrong place for the problem,” Craig said, “We’re not the problem.  Global warming is actually breaching a clause in the contract between Earth and Sun.  In article 19.2A it states that if temperatures escalate this dramatically then we are entitled to rework our contract.” 

  Critics claim that these authors are only bitter because of childhood sunburns.  Craig and Tavenor declined to comment on this.

  The Earth Embassy also indicated that if the Sun did not respond definitively within the next 30 days, it would seek out the help of the other planets.  However, as result of its recent exclusion from planethood, Pluto has already stated, “I will never assist your arrogant, authoritative planet of jerks.” 

  NASA has been in contact with Mars, Jupiter, and Neptune about the possibility of a walk-out of the Solar System if the Sun does not address their demands.  When asked about Pluto, a NASA spokesman responded, “He’s just a little upset.”  He added, ”Pluto has always been a little ‘out there,’ no pun intended.”   

  “We can find another star to orbit around, no problem,” said Mars, who has been in a collaborative agreement with Earth in negotiating with the Sun for the past 320 years.  “The age of fearing the Sun has ended.  The ancient civilisations on Earth that worshiped the Sun have long since declined.  The time for action is now.  We have already contacted multiple other stars that have promised such benefits as an exclusion of the need for daylight savings, fewer deserts, and thirty hour days.” 

  The other planets argue that leaving the solar system is impossible because of gravity.  Michael Drenner addressed this concern in yesterday’s press conference saying, “We have been talking with Gravity about leaving the solar system.  Progress is slow, but since we are working with Gravity we think things will speed up soon.”
  
  Also in reference to the gravity problem, another Earth Embassy official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “What Gravity really wants, if there is to be any sort of agreement, is for planet Earth to destroy the Superman movies, movies which gravity finds insulting and heretical because of superman’s ability to fly.”

  Public hope for the Earth’s prospects of getting a new orbit — or even possibly a new star — is at an all-time high.  As Austin city resident Haley Ferguson said, “The Sun is 90 million miles away, but change is right around the corner.”

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