April 14, 2008

• Many thousands of years ago The Great Council of Humanity took place.  Everybody had to attend, from peasants to kings, from merchants to farmers, from housewives to the monks that were off living in caves.  Initially the monks were very angry that their presence was required at the meeting, but agreed to come quietly once they remembered the entire goal of their seclusion was to be at peace with all things. 

  Every single human had to be there, and for good reason.  It was by this time that humans had realized that living on earth together was going to require a good deal of coordination.  

  Like today, humanity back then was like a large cartoon dirtcloud of fighting, with lots of yelling, and arms and legs sporadically emerging through the surface.  But at some point during the maelstrom someone jumped out and said, “OK, everyone wait.  Just wait.  Guys, here we are on earth, we might as well get a few things straight.  Get everyone together.  We’ll meet at Bill’s house.” 

  Thus, The Great Council of Humanity was summoned.  

  The first thing decided was that nodding your head means you agree, shaking your head means you disagree.  There were some people from a certain village who had been doing it the other way around, but everyone just thought they were agreeing and moved on.

  To greet people shake their hand.  High fives are the informal version of this practice, connotative of a job well done or that something awesome just happened.  Variations were originally banned, but like the proliferation of illegal booze during prohibition people went on making secret handshakes anyways and eventually they were legalized.

  Slapping your hands together means you liked whatever you just saw.  This was dubbed clapping by the council executive, a decision which was met for the first time ever with thunderous applause. 

  At this point things were getting tense because they were running out of practical things to do with your hands.  Thus, to indicate you didn’t like something, they settled on holding out the word boo.  The council lasted for so long, however, that they accidentally decided to make this the word to yell when scaring people as well.  They realized the error and  announced that they were going to change the word used when scaring, but this decision was boo’d emphatically by the crowd, and so the overlap remained.

  Other decisions included showing your teeth for pictures. (Of course they had cameras.  Uh…the professor made one out of bamboo.)  Along with this came the decision to make a weird hawing noise when you find something ‘funny.’ 

  Of course there were many, many other decisions.  Too many to mention.  Hugging was chosen as being an expression of acceptance and love, although it was actually close to being a sign of hostility and war.  Believe it or not, the liver was this close to being the ultimate symbol of love, but the heart won out in the end. 

  The way things are now these arbitrary functions are simpy plugged in when we start life.  But it is really all thanks to The Great Council of Humanity.   

  • 11:52 pm
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