April 23, 2008

• The Five Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Done

  1.  I went to school one day with $15 in my pocket, consisting of three five-dollar bills.  The guys and myself were in the gym locker room getting dressed when suddenly, just as I was picking up my jeans, I found $15 on the ground.  I picked it up and asked, “Anyone lose this?  Anyone?”  No one claimed it.  So I said to the two guys nearest me, “Here let’s split it.  We each get $5.”  I walked out of the locker room content that I had made $5.  Later on I realized that it was my $15 that I had brought to school that day, but one of them would never give it back to me even though I asked him for it for the rest of the schoolyear. 

  2.  When I was just five or six years old I only somewhat knew what a razor was for.  Now this action is so stupid I cannot even explain it in terms of what stupid reason I would have for doing it.  I was in the bathroom one day and picked up the razor and dragged it across my cheek, starting a massive bloodflow from a region of my cheek measuring a few square inches.  I took a huge towel and mottled it with blood while it bled for the next fifteen minutes.

  3.  I was driving on the highway and wanted to take off my jacket, but I was also wearing a hoody under the jacket.  The plan was to quickly pull the jacket over my head and be done with it real quick, but in the process of pulling the jacket over my head the hood to my hoody was pulled over my face.  It happened so fast I didn’t know what was going on.  All I knew is that I was going 70 mph and I couldn’t see.  I grabbed at my face and probably after about two seconds, which seemed in my panic to be an eternity, I got the hoody off my face.

  4.  My friend Kevin and I were at my house when I asked him if he wanted some tea or hot chocolate.  Upon his affirmation I marched into the kitchen, adjacent to the room we were in, filled up the kettle, put it on the stove, and walked back.  About half an hour later I remarked to Kevin, “I think I forgot to turn on the stove.”  It takes some sort of a blank mind to put a kettle on the stove and walk away.  That’s like putting on your shoes and then running off without tying them.  That’s just standard procedure right there. 

  5.  It had snowed about a foot outside, covering my car in massive amounts of snow.  I lamented that I didn’t have a wiper and commenced to wipe off all the snow with my arm.  It was an extremely cold and uncomfortable process.  Once finished I got in the car and immediately saw the wiper waiting for me in the front passenger seat.  It felt like a prank, but if classified as such it would be one I pulled completely on myself.   

  I have done many, many other stupid things, such as looking frantically all over my house for my watch when it was in my pocket, and I even once looked for something when it was in my hand.  I only wish these were all tales from my childhood.  But I am so stupid that I have probably forgotten a good deal of the stupid things I’ve done.  If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. 

  • 4:05 pm
  • 6 Comments