July 2, 2009

• All the world’s a stage

  Acting is a good deal of fun, and if I ever have children I plan to homeschool them.  It seems fitting, then, that every year of school they should have a new teacher. 

  For fourth grade I will be Mr. Fred, a very serious man with spectacles and a long face.  He speaks very slowly, and is sometimes hard to understand because of his long sentences, but he is always very patient and very kind.  Mr. Fred is getting a bit old and because of that is a little hard of hearing, so the students may to shout a bit during this year.

  Then in fifth grade the children will meet Mr. Sludgworth, a mean and snarly man, who is very stout and pudgy around the cheeks.  He has a higher voice than Mr. Fred and is much more abrupt in his manner of dealing with students.  Probably bitter about something in his past.

  Sixth grade will be a real treat: Mr. Delaney.  On the first day of class Mr. Delaney, bubbling and smiling with all the effulgence of the sun, will march into class and announce, “Students: today begins your grand adventure of learning.  As we meet together, you will see ideas float in the air right through this very class, and sometimes we will climb aboard and see where they take us: to foreign and strange lands, to meet new people; or maybe to the land of the very tiny, the cell, inside our very selves! Or maybe into history to see the daring adventures and mysteries which have already come to pass; or maybe—just maybe, if we’re lucky—we’ll get to launch into outer space and visit the stars and see if there are any aliens around!  Yes, students, it is a very exciting thing to learn!”

  Mr. Delaney will be excited each and every day, and the students and he will grow quite dear to one another.  How sad that he will have to go at the end of the year.

  And so on and so forth, until the children will have had quite an array of teachers throughout their education.  

  If they ever have a problem they will probably need a parent, in which case hopefully the makeup and costume comes off easily. 

  It might be a bit of a problem if I have to compete with Mr. Delaney for my children’s affection.  He’s going to be a very lovable guy; I might just have to get a sub for the second half of the year because Mr. Delaney had a little drug problem.  But after the boring Mr. Fred and grouchy Mr. Sludgworth, my children will love me so much that hopefully that won’t be a problem.

  • 11:30 pm
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