July 15, 2009

• Watermelons do not bounce

  Warning, I am a little hyperactive.

  When I am a parent, in order to be a good parent, I am going to write a whole song called ’But I Don’t Want to do My Chores’ so that when I am telling my child what to do instead of argue they can burst into song.  Then my wife and I will each have parts and there will be a whole dance number, and when it finishes all the tension will be gone and our child will love us and then go do his chores.

  I think militaries should have mascots so that we have somebody to cheer for when we go to war.  I used to think our mascot was a ‘troop’ because people would yell, ‘Go U.S. troops!’ but then I realized that all the other countries had the same mascot.  So now we need suggestions.  I suggest that the goose be our mascot because geese are fearless—walking right in front of traffic, not caring what the danger is that’s facing them.  They are truly intrepid warriors.  And not to mention then there would be a rationale for the crappy bread rations.

  People think it is just humans that go all crazy over religion, but the world of money is also crazy, certain bills always being converted into other bills, some bills being converted into coins, and it is a big mess and all the different religions of money want everyone to convert to their team, and it is very confusing.

  I never say ‘I feel like I am talking to a wall here’ because some walls can actually be quite friendly.  Like the wall in the dentist’s office has the poster of a walrus saying ‘Ahoy there, matey!’ and he is very friendly.  Sometimes I hang responses all over a wall so I can talk to it, and when I say something I look for the response that makes sense.  Even if it doesn’t make sense, that’s okay too, some walls aren’t quite rational.  But sometimes their humor will be very straightforward, very sensical.  That usually means you are talking to drywall. 

  I can’t wait until I get all romantical with someone and we are staring up at the night sky and she whispers, ‘Look at the moon, it is so pretty tonight,’ and I will hold her close to me and say very seriously, ‘That’s no moon. It’s a space station.’

  People say that it is bad to be a procrastinator so I woke up and made dinner at 6 A.M. and then I waited all day until evening and then I ate it and I think I am going to go back to being a procrastinator because things taste better when you procrastinate. 

  It is a good thing our vital organs stay in our bodies all the time, because then there is one less suitcase you have to pack when going on vacation. 

  Okay so I am just a little bit sad right now, and I just don’t know what is going on, so maybe I will go outside and sit down and look at the sky and remember how big reality is and think about everything all at once so that I remember how small I am, because we tend to get very upset when we forget how small we are, I don’t know why, don’t ask me, ok I’m going now, goodbye, I hope you smiled while reading something here, I like being a smile-causer, because you know it is easy to be smart because you can study how to be smart, but you cannot study how to cause smiles, it is much more difficult I think, and that’s why being smart is overrated, of course if you have seen Harvey then you know this, so go ahead try and find the password to make people smile it is a good way to pass the time while being around other humans and also because all of reality is about relationships.

  • 3:25 am
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