June 19, 2010
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Take me over
Would we have good wills?
What dwells within our spirits?
I’ve been really frustrated by the abrupt endings to conversations with Megan. It’s a bad idea to talk to her right now.
I think that tattoos distract from what it means to love something. To love something is to pour your life into it, because it is worth spending all your time on. Your body will pass away; what you did with your life stands forever. Our words fill the air; we mark up the canvas of life.
Life is more about becoming than being. We have character arcs. We ought not mark up our bodies when we change so easily. If we are apt to change, to stain our flesh pins us to one specific place and time in our life. But we move, we meet new people, we become new people.
What will you do with what matters in life? Your words, your actions, your time?
Tattoos don’t fit anywhere in there.
What am I going to do in life? I feel the tension. There are battles in my head all day long. Sometimes I care to admit it to myself. What do I do in response.
The only thing there is to do is to live as honestly as possible. That is all that can be expected. An honest life.
I am really feeling it tonight. Like wow. What am I going to do with my life? What am I actually going to do? This isn’t a fake question. It’s a real one, the realest one possible, and means a lot and I will answer it.
What is life?
We’re not juggling fake seconds as we walk around, it’s not a farce. It is everything, and nothing at the same time; it smashes our intellects down to a point. We tremble in fear. I shiver; that must be you. Your presence is near.
Where is the curtain? Am I being deluded by the first way I was taught to see?
What of other humans? What of my relations to them? I must do something with them, I must tie them off, make some better, make new ones. What shall their natures be? What will I feel, what will I think, how will it be? What will it mean in their life? Could I ever know?
This life is new for every human. It seems like we’re all marching in line. But we can step out of the line and sit on a stump, watching the prisoners marching in sync, humming a tune of glee, headed towards a mass grave. How should I converse with the prisoners next to me?
But I can’t sit for too long. Pretty soon the line captain knocks me down and forces me to get back in line.
This life is so heavy.
We’ll make it to heaven; it’s not a place, but there’s somewhere I can feel, somewhere that’s home. I want to make it there. Caring in life is the only way that’s worth it. The other way there are no disappointments, but there is nothing to embrace either. We live on hope.
Father, keep my spirit wrapped up in yours.
Comments (4)
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Last night, at dinner, we were talking about something…not sure what it was now, but someone said “aah, life is cruel.” And then someone else said, “no, life without Jesus is cruel.” And this is true, I think.
I imagine that the most nobel tattoos symbolize clarity. Sadly Clarity is far too ephemeral, coming and going with the ever-changing moments.
Tattoos capture the instances where all was one, where all pain, and confusion was accounted for. Branding oneself with this symbol can be a reminder of that clarity and our commitment to it, hope must often be asserted.
For me, such an action is superfluous, I do not typically engage symbols as worship.
But I caution us both from discrediting another’s vein of connection.
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These moments are as real as we take them.
I have often sat on the side and gazed lazily at the incarcerated as they march toward the end. But as I look closer, I see some dancing. Some embracing the liberties we posses within the inevitable.
And my desire to join in has become insatiable!
Ambition compensates for incompetencies. When we fall in love, we will surely do it right! No more will it sit sedated, attempting to coax my moments toward meaningless. I will become preoccupied with making this marching movement more like a mambo! Letting the air rush between my fingers, allowing myself to look for the lovely, because I need to have my breath taken away!
And we know that we are justified in this foolish pursuit, for it is not until we have something to die for that we ever feel like were living.
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