August 10, 2010
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“So … where do you put the odds I’ve murdered someone?” Great question to ask people when you first meet them.
Sure, they double dipped in the sauce at a party, and they shouldn’t have done that. But just think, would it not have been much worse if they had *skinny* dipped in the sauce?
You may now shake hands with the bride.
Some people buy paintings for hundreds of millions of dollars. But the joke’s on them, the image is online.
Every commercial is a funny commercial when I think about how much money they used to advertise a product I will never buy.
One night something funny happened at 1:01 so even the clock was lol’ing.
I think green lights should be smiley faces. Really would emphasize the happiness of the moment.
I want to dress as a pirate to a fireworks show, and then once the fireworks go off stand up and yell “CANNONFIRE!” and run away.
I am allergic to friendships; whenever I get in one I break out in high fives.
When my daughter brings over her boyfriend for dinner for the first time I am going to use a sword to cut my steak. I feel like that would clear up any lingering doubts he had about respecting her.
I find scare quotes very scary.
I like kissing the necks of dead girls. I am a neckrophiliac.
People who think I’m not very strong should have seen what I did to a cardboard box at work one day. Raw power.
I wonder how many bitter and angry CEOs who fire people all the time go home and sleep with their stuffed animals.
With stalkers, you never have to feel alone.
I plan on being a super hero in old age. “Quick! To the Oldsmobile!”
UDF: Neither united, nor dairy, nor farmers.
I like grass, because every grass blade is friends with all the other grass. They have to be with how much they get walked on.
North Korea has no Seoul.
I’m not thinking clearly, but that’s at least better than times when I’m clearly not thinking.
I was up all night and had started wondering when the sun was going to come up. Then it dawned on me.
Millions of granola bars are killed every year.
She told me my obsession with Star Wars was the deal breaker. “Search your feelings,” I said. “You don’t want to break up with me.”
Comments (6)
The last one is the kicker! LOL.
AHAHA youre corny sometimes but hilarious and witty as well
Cutting up a steak in front of your daughter’s boyfriend would be awesome.
i would love to do the pirate thing
I miss these little slices of random funniness…thanks. i really liked the “to the Oldsmobile” one.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH Those puns are funny! I smiled at the sheer silliness and perceptiveness of those. Your title is very befitting.
I think I can cure your allergy. I am especially adept at cutting up high fives with my surgical scissors hand.