August 19, 2010
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A ragamuffin vagabond
Why is it that to live means to worry?
Relationships are very interesting because of all the different places they may sail. Knowing different people shows us just how much one person can vary from the next; perhaps, of course, if we think in big chunks, they’ll all wind up the same: but that’s why it’s so wonderful our minds can slice up our experiences so finely. By seeing people’s little desires here and there we notice who a person is way inside their head, since we all give ourselves away with our instincts. I think of being at the beach with a friend when suddenly they wander off to follow a seagull. Watching them closely, they are mesmerized by the bird as a mysterious creature and a potential friend, and they spend half an hour trying to get closer to it.
People are so weirdly wonderful.
A silly person is someone who knows they are ridiculous, while a ridiculous person has no idea they are ridiculous. (Which, of course, is one of the reasons they are ridiculous.)
Sometimes a person should be seen as more than just what they think of themselves, or who they are when all the facts are in. Maybe in part a person is who they are to us. So my relation to my friend Alex is one in which he has allowed me to be a certain kind of person, and it makes me feel like less of an exiled harlequin to have him as a friend. There’s a kind of relation between us that makes him “the person who accepts my ridiculousness”, and that’s more than just what he thinks of himself, but it’s still a fact about him. Who we are I think is thus partly made up in what we mean to other people.
I wonder who I am?
Part of the trouble in taking in all of the world is our incessant desire for control. Because we want to control things by understanding them, we come to conclusions about life based on what has happened to us. The problem is that a conclusion is such a definite thing, and thus sometimes we apply one to a situation, but then it blocks us from having a new experience that would have changed that conclusion. So a group of friends want to get together a huge game of flashlight tag, but you remember “Those ideas are nice, but never work out”.
Thus, instead of accepting new data and learning something new—and letting life change what it appears to be—we apply a past conclusion. And that’s because we want control.
But as long as there is more life left to live, why think our conclusions are so certain? Who knows what may happen?
Life is so thrilling that we might just end up being wrong.
But to be flexible is to appear weak, because it shows no confidence in what will happen. It is the only way to have an adventure—by accepting and spontaneously warming to the unexpected—but it also means shrinking, because now we are letting all of reality in the door. The world is bigger than we can get our heads around.
Who follows the living God? Many, including myself, follow God; but it’s implicit that there the word ‘God’ means our concept of God, which is about control. It is so much scarier to really follow him.
And because we hope that things will turn out well, this sometimes makes the future seem terrifying. We have given up control; living now seems much more risky. We are living in risk of finding out what the world is really like, and what that may mean. And maybe that’s why I worry all the time.
Comments (7)
Great ponderings =)
Like, like, like.
Hehe! I think I would be good friends with your friend who tried for half an hour to chase the seagull if I ever met them.
I also like “A silly person is someone who knows they are ridiculous, while a ridiculous person has no idea they are ridiculous.”
Which leaves me to wonder if all ridiculous people think that they are merely silly. O_o
I sometimes worry because I can’t control what I mean to my friends.
But that is the risk you speak of.
People that always desire control are people who fear the changing world. Realizing you can’t do anything about certain situations and letting them play out is a way of saying we aren’t God and we are mere humans.
Maybe that specific longing for control springs from our obsession for perfection, drilled into us during our school days when we were frowned upon for our low grades. Maybe. Or maybe we’re just scared of the unknown, and being in control helps us to stay in the know, when we have to accept– be at peace with– how God’s really running our lives.
That is why I live in a state of perpetual doubt and uncertainty, because I’d rather be unstable than be unshakably set in my perceptions and never expand my narrow-minded view.
I like your posts! They give me something to think about!
@Linley_K -
That is a good point. Sometimes I write down a lot of thoughts without knowing how -or whether - they connect. But you are right: our friends’ experiences of us roll together in ways we can’t directly control. :-/
@christykim -
Heya! Thanks for coming around and commenting.
I think wanting things to be perfect is a big part of the worry we have. In a way, we’re all the girls who dream about the perfect wedding day, only with respect to our lives. We really want the whole picture of life to end up making some kind of ultimate sense. I think that’s going to be a desire every human has, unless they try to get rid of it, which some philosophies actually recommend. But of course, just because they cause worry, or they might end up unfulfilled, we shouldn’t just get rid of our desires. You give up the desire for things to turn out well, of course you won’t suffer, but you’ll have no joy either.