October 15, 2010

• The essence of a cake fight

  Starbucks has this motto, “It’s just not coffee. It’s Starbucks.”  But after seeing that I imagined two friends at Starbucks and one of them is really upset, so the other says, “I’m sorry. We didn’t have to go out for coffee.”  Then the upset friends responds disgustedly, “It’s not just coffee. It’s Starbucks.“

  I have secret handshakes with lots of people, but none of us know how to do them. That’s how secret they are.

  “Officer, I swear I wasn’t hitchhiking. I was just complimenting everybody on their driving. You know, ‘Great driving! Way to go!’  Oh, my backpack?  It’s . . . a long walk home from school.”

  There are so many songs about lovers, what about arch-nemeses?  Do they not fill our lives with meaning, the endless battles we’ll have, the close escapes, the amazing ultimacy of it all? 

  We should also be able to add arch-nemeses on facebook.

  I didn’t believe in democracy, but then my brain cells voted on it, and now I do.

  23: Average time in seconds it takes me to find my way through any given hoodie I try to put on.

  Countdowns make crossing the street more epic.

  The first thing I would do as president is require fire departments to use battering rams to break down doors.  Then after my term ended, I would become a firefighter.

  If I were a thief I’d sit next to people at airports and coffee shops until they ask me to watch their stuff for a minute. “Oh sure, your stuff is safe with me.”  *wily grin*

  Also everyone, always remember: there is a slight but important difference between “eye contact” and “facial contact”. 

  “Dude, this is serious, make facial contact with me!”

  • 2:42 pm
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