December 22, 2010

• Naked

  “Anyway, so I’m going for an A in that class.  If I get a C, I might lose it, and, I don’t know, kill a fish or something.”  Brian shoved a hefty bite of lo mein into his mouth, driving home the casualness of his exaggeration.
  “Yeah.  Dead fish.”  Amber nodded, her eyes abnormally wide.
  Brian continued chomping heavily as he fiddled with a napkin, looking across the table with concern at Amber.
  “You ok?”
  “I’m fine,” Amber rejoined, shifting her weight and glancing at him, her eyes still wide.  “Totally fine. Yeah, I’m fine.”  She searched the table for grounding, her head still nodding.  “How are you?” she finally blurted out uncomfortably.
  Brian peered at his friend, his marked chewing in its waning moments.
  “You sure you’re fine?  You seem . . .” Brian trailed off, ‘freaked out’ being his first, and wisely vetoed choice of words.  “. . . you seem distracted.  What’s bugging you?”
  The low hum of the Chinese restaurant filled their choppy conversation’s frequent lacunas.  Plates clinked together as they were picked up by customers at the buffet; stolid faced employees patrolled the restaurant like the ruling army of a small country.
  “It’s just,” Amber accidentally suddenly began. 
  Brian leaned in, shaking his head briefly to indicate his confusion.  Now she had to go on.
  “I feel . . . naked.”
  Brian tried with all his might to not look down at her clothes.  It would be weird if she noticed him do it.  She would know, he’s thinking of me and what nakedness is, he’s thinking it right now. Meanwhile, Amber’s eyes were frantically island-hopping from dish to dish on their table.
  “What,” Brian gulped, “What do you mean?”
  “Like us being here.  Everyone,” Amber cried, her voice tense and shaking, her hands now in front of her, gesticulating wildly.  “Like, we’re all eating.  That means we need food.  And like. . . people know that.  They know that as they look at you.”
  Brian bit his lip.  He was shocked that the thought was not shocking.  “Yeah,” he said.  “So . . .”
  “So that’s not ok!” Amber flooded into the air.  “Like, the fact that we’re talking means we need, you know, social interaction.”  Amber’s words tumbled into one another; her body was shaking rhythmically.  “That I don’t look like a mess means I need to feel pretty, that we’re breathing means we need oxygen, and needs, needs are so personal, it means I need them, and when people know that, that’s personal.  And we just admit it.  We come out and here and yell ‘I need food! I need friends! I need air!’ and that’s just, that’s just . . . pathetic.  We’re all just pathetic creatures.  Naked, pathetic creatures, gathering together and all just staring at each other being that way. Naked.  Completely, utterly naked.”
  Brian now struggled to not imagine everyone in the restaurant naked.  He was slightly attracted to Amber; but elsewhere in the restaurant lay physical territory he was glad he had not charted.
  “That’s true,” Brian agreed, nodding robotically. 
  “Well, I don’t like it,” Amber went on.  “I don’t like being naked.  I don’t like people looking at me and thinking ‘Ha! She needs food. I know it.  Look at her scarf it down, look the way she pretends to not care.  But deep inside—aha!—deep inside she longs for it like a moon needs its planet, like a whimpering child needs its mommy—like a mad scientist who rushes to her secret laboratory now that she finally knows how to take over the world.”  Amber had grown sinister in her monologue as she displayed the other person’s thoughts, rubbing her hands together and breathing heavily.
  “We, uh,” Brian stammered, “We can go if you want.”  He looked around nervously, wondering if they were being overheard.
  Amber suddenly broke out of the evil character into a full cascade of tears.  The tears flowed freely, as in the moment a tub finally overflows on all sides.  Brian rushed to grab their coats off their chairs, but as he did so he worried that it would make Amber upset to realize she needed warmth.  As he contemplated what he should do, Amber got up and hurried off, away from the eyes of her omniscient onlookers.  Everyone now turned to Brian, who grinned sheepishly as he looked around.  He then remembered the thought of everyone naked, and immediately forced his head down as he rushed off in search of Amber.

  • 5:42 am
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