June 27, 2012

• Clothespins vs the wind

  Drove home late tonight after four cups of coffee at Perkins with Alex. We talked about Caitie and he reinacted Prince of Thieves. Death, romance, family relationships. The external features of stories.

  Earlier I sat on a bench at Dexter Falls as Paul and dad played basketball and thought about life as I read Kierkegaard. So many people spend their lives waiting, thinking in the future they will realize all the values of their life. But there is only now. I saw a boy running through the grass. That is what I was born to see.

  I feel like I haven’t been in the words I’ve been saying recently.

  Sometimes someone will say something to me that doesn’t make sense given who I am, and it betrays a misconception they have about me. I will think of an earlier scene in my life and think ‘If they had been there for that, they wouldn’t be saying this to me now’. But there is no way to straightforwardly explain that to someone. So you have to conform to what they think, or just say nothing. You end up many people or no one at all in a situation like that.

  Some people stretch and stretch and stretch.

  ‘I think people feel a lot of drama quietly underneath their daily actions. Like there is a big story going on. It’s capturing that that I think is the real challenge.’ -at perkin’s.

  Listened to Copeland on the way back. I’ve been trying to fight off my demons. Sadness is a choice, even if it is a choice of negligence.

  We went over the perks and downsides of isolation.

  What if I died tonight?

  Everyone has a story that they think is their big difficulty, like resolving their issues with their parents. But really there is an even bigger story than that, the story of how you respond to that situation, whether you see it from eternity and choose to become holy. It’s hard to keep that in mind though. I forget about the big story and then I end up sad because I think my main goals are about how things go here on earth. But all is eclipsed by the story of you kneeling, praying, and getting up to live in his mercy.

  I haven’t been writing recently. It all feels so…far away.

  There’s this long white lump under my skin. Looks like a worm is under it. It developed while I was playing starcraft. It’s scaring me.

  I’m not a very good big brother.

  • 5:31 am
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