October 2, 2012

• I don’t like your tone

  Have you ever been urgently calling someone only to have the electronic woman that is their stock voicemail start talking to you in her slow, easygoing drawl?

  You have reached the voice mailbox of …

  (I know this is a voice mailbox. I know who I called. Please let it be a name, the numbers take forever.)

  6……

  (NOOOO!!!!!)                

  1…….4…..

  (Oh my gosh. The pauses. The pauses between the numbers. I could take naps between them.)

  9……..6………1……..

  (The number will end. There’s an end to the number. I know it.)

  6………4………7……..

  (Almost there! Last number! C’mon robot lady!)

  ………………………………………………………………..

  (AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Let’s goooooooooo!)

  …………8.

  The wireless customer you are trying to reach is unavailable.

  (I know!! Or did they turn into a deaf humorless e-woman with no sense of urgency??)

  To leave a numeric page, press 2.

  (What’s a numeric page??? I just want to leave a message!! LET’S GOOOO!!)

  To leave a callback number, press 5.

  (Let’s be real. This is the 21st century, I’m sure they have caller-ID.)

  To leave a message press 1, or just wait for the tone.

  (OK, the tone is about to happen. I’ll just wait for the tone.)

  ……………….

  (AHHHHHH WHERE’S THE TONE????)

  ………………

  (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!)

  Please leave your message after the tone.

  (ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????)

  When you are done recording, you can hang up, or press pound for more options.

  (Is one of the options ASKING FOR THIS NOVEL TO BE SHORTER NEXT TIME???)

  …….

  Beep.

  “Hey, bro. It’s Phil. Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang. Call me back, son. Lata.”

  • 11:23 am
  • 1 Comment