December 5, 2012

• Rise up lights

  I was in Ocean City all day.

  I have felt a very deep love for everything I’ve been seeing recently.  It’s too bad that’s not something you can say.  Not that you are not allowed to say it – you just can’t express it.  You can just go around and be really happy and wonder what’s all this complaining business and always remember that ‘I’m not competing with anybody’. 

  My little brother said: “We should go Christmas shopping together!”
  Philip: “Why? We never go Christmas shopping together.”
  Paul: “Well you know more about it than I do.”
  Philip: “You just go to the mall and walk around.”
  Paul: “But you have money. And I have some money. And this way we can put our money together and buy people presents.”
  Philip: “You mean we combine our money and then only buy people one present between the two of us? Is that what this all about?”
  Paul: (adamant)”No!”
  Paul: (confessing) “….Yes.”

  Today I saw a girl on the street with one of those artist hats that supposedly painters in France wear.  I wonder if she got drenched later.  There was a girl at a street corner that got soaked by a car driving by.  A wave-wall just obliterated her.  She immediately guffawed and rolled her eyes up in her head.  Her expression said ‘That was my bad.  Completely my bad.  Why was I standing so close to the street??’

  Last night my friend Kyle told me what he took to be the funniest thing he’s ever heard.  A moment later I noticed someone had sent me a digital file and I opened it and it was a recording of them laughing.

  (at a cafe)
  Girl 1: He gets up and pees in his boxers with no shirt on.  And he says nothing.  For three days he stays in my room and doesn’t say a single word to me.  Like, can I even get a “hello”? 
  Girl 2: I don’t get it, why is your roommate still dating him?
  Girl 1: She’s in love with him.

  In the same cafe across the room there were two guys playing chess.  One guy was sitting down and the other guy was standing up with his hands sprawled on either side of the chess board as he leaned over it like an intimidating father.  I thought ‘Dang, are there no chairs left for that guy?’ and I looked around and spotted a chair he could use.  I was about to see if I could get the chair for him when I noticed that the guy had a chair right next to him.  I guess it was just really time to play chess.

  I am miserable when I’m not vulnerable, and when I’m vulnerable – that’s even worse.

  The chess thing reminds me of a week ago when I came across the Wikipedia for ‘bushido’.  I came across that because I was looking up ‘chivalry’ for Paul who kept saying ‘That’s not chivalry!’ whenever someone did something he didn’t like.  Bushido is the samurai equivalent of chivalry.  Its code requires frugality, loyalty, and honor unto death.  I thought: ‘This is great, I’ll remember this and partially be a samurai in my heart, and I’ll impress everyone by knowing what this is.’

  A few days later Nelson came into our restaurant.  Nelson is a regular who is always reading a really big book.  This time it was ‘Classic Japanese Literature’.  I inquired about it and then I asked him ‘So do you know what bushido is?’  He said, ‘Ah yes, the way of horse and bow, I believe’.  I said ‘Well…it’s the samurai code.’  He looked skeptical and replied, ‘Well, it doesn’t just have to be samurai. Being a samurai just means you’re in retainment to a lord, when really any (obscure word  referring to a wider class of Japanese warriors) could follow the bushido.’  I blinked a few times and somewhere my ego hid in a corner and cried, which was doubly sad because it meant I did not have honor unto my intellectual death. 

  I walked up to the girl in the box office booth because I didn’t want to use the little impersonal credit card machine thing.  The entire vestibule was empty except for me and the girl inside the ticket booth was reading a huge book.  I stood in front of her as she hunched over it for about ten seconds.  Once I tapped slightly on the counter she jumped and grabbed frantically at her headset saying “Hello, hello, hello” as she got it saddled onto her head.

  “What book are you reading?” I asked.
  “Oh, uh … It’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe.”
  “Universe? Are you sure it’s not … Galaxy?”
  (she checks the cover)
  “Oh, yeah! It’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
  “Do you like it?”
  “Yeah, it’s really good.” 

  I see people from years ago and I know we laughed together and tried to see each other all the time, but now those days are over and our feelings forget them. Are you ok with how fast the world re-invents itself?

  Time to be quiet and let the sky do the talking. Maybe I’ll buy an umbrella just to lend it out.

  My heart is running on a thousand cylinders. Did you know it’s an accident we’re not friends?

  This world is thick with a joy vibrating in my bones.

  • 4:50 am
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