January 22, 2013

• ‘Follow this turnpike on Twitter’

  Thoughts from the road.

  At the rest stop thought: A prisoner almost running into the president in the hallway saying ‘Pardon me’. 

  There should be fun fact signs on the side of the road to start people’s conversations. Lots of bored road trippers out there. ‘What? Blue fin tuna fish can swim 72 MPH? Dude, I wonder if we could get a tuna to race a cheetah.’

  Toll booths are like if you had to give a person money if they asked you for it as you walk by them on the street. You’re just walking by and they say ‘That will be five dollars’.  And you have to obey them because they’re wearing a meaningless vest and because someone’s holding a videocamera in your face. And because some stupid person out there sold them the sidewalk because they were stupid.

  You know how the race horses stampede out of the gate all nervously eyeing each other and trying to get the best position? I think coming out of toll booths is the closest humans get to what that feels like. 

  Road trips are like monopoly and the signs are like the cards. ‘Speed fines double’ ‘Adopt a highway!’ ‘Road Repairs’  Then the tolls are the luxury tax and you wind up at a hotel.

  But you don’t really make money on a road trip.  I guess it’s not really like monopoly.

  But there are free parking areas on the side of the road. If only they were playing by house rules.

  That bottom Pringle chip really takes a beating.

  No one talks about warming up to their activity as much as writers. ‘I turn off my phone and get out my pad and paper and sit by the window and I breathe. I can’t think of anything for awhile so I decide to make some coffee.  A crisp, Jamaican blend, with a dash of soy milk.’  You don’t hear football players saying ‘Then I put on my cleats. I can feel the game is going to be hard. But I stand up anyway. I turn off my cell phone. Can’t take calls during the game, you know.  Then I start walking, but I need some gatorade first. Lemon Lime flavor. I love that stuff.’

  Sign at rest area: ‘stp txting whle drvng – keep your thumbs on the wheel!’  Do they have any idea how hard it is to text with only your index fingers? Bad advice sign, bad advice.

  I think of cars with a headlight out as pirate cars.

  I wonder if the deer know about the deer crossing signs.  ‘Ok guys, starting from this sign we can cross for the next two miles. And don’t feel objectified by how awesome the leaping deer looks on the sign. You’re beautiful just the way you are.’

  Maybe it’s the deer that tell the city workers where to put the signs. ‘Yeah, right about here. We have a subdivision for about the next mile and then a school right after that. Two miles should be good.’

  I wonder if there were any deer lobbyists when they did the huge highway stimulus in the middle of the 20th century.  I mean, rather rude of us barging into their homes just like that.  Think if you groggily woke up scratching your butt in the morning on your way to the bathroom and then a horde of elk stampeded through the hallway between you and the bathroom.  It would seem pretty annoying. 

  I am sure there was some sympathetic soul who upon hearing the highway legislation in congress raised his hand to his chest and cried, ‘Oh deer’. 

  You didn’t think you had so many thoughts about deer. But then you take a road trip and you find out that there’s a lot of time to think.  

  Then I wanted to call someone to tell them all this but they didn’t pick up.  I thought, oh well, maybe I’ll just tell them later.  But then I thought maybe it will get to be too much later and I’ll start to forget it all and it will seem appropriate to talk about other things instead.  Maybe this part is one of those parts that’s just for me.

  I am still writing my reflections on 2012. I know, it’s late. Call me Tristram Shandy. I haven’t been busy enough to write them yet.

  • 11:54 pm
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