July 9, 2013

• A simple misunderstanding

  In the winter I was walking past a girl in a restaurant when I heard her say, ‘If I started counting calories, I would weigh like six hundred pounds.’

  I am sure, like most of the following stories, it was just a simple misunderstanding.

  I was frantically searching for a costume to wear to a party that was in just a couple hours. I was at a thrift store looking for a mustard colored shirt so I could dress up as Woody, but I wasn’t finding any. Then I thought: wait, doesn’t dad have a mustard colored shirt? So I called him.

  Philip: Dad, do you have a mustard colored shirt?
  Dad: Yes I do. I’m wearing it right now.
  Philip: You’re wearing it right now?
  Dad: Yes. And I’m in Toledo.
  Philip: Great.

  The other day I was at a party and a group of people went outside and noticed that five raccoons had built their nest on the chimney of the house next door. We were all staring up at them when a guy said ‘I wonder if anybody lives there’ and I looked at him and said ‘Yes. Five raccoons do.’

  The waitress dropped off our bill and I said to Kyle ‘I think we pay up front’ and he responded ‘No, we pay after.’  

  A girl was describing her recent life story when she said ‘Then I had to leave that job because of my hipster dream’ and I thought ‘WHAT? She had a dream of being a hipster…?’ but then I asked her about it and she had actually gotten hip surgery.

  I was getting some coffee from a self-serve when I heard a woman behind me say ‘Oh, Voldemort!’ and the other said ‘Yes, Voldemort!’ I perked up for a moment before they went on in their conversation about Baltimore.

  We were trying to figure out what nicknames we could call my friend whose last name is May. She was vetoing nicknames left and right.  ’What about Maybe?’ I asked. She thought about it for a second and then nodded, saying, ‘You can call me Maybe.’

  On the first day of vacation my little siblings and I played Never Have I Ever. Paul said ‘Never have I ever…taken a road trip’ and Melody said, ‘Paul, you were on a road trip today. We took a road trip here.’

  That same day we were driving around when my dad said ‘There’s a shrimp place’ and I said ‘And there’s a thrift store.’ Melody jolted to attention and asked ‘Where??’ and both my dad and I pointed to different places and said ‘Over there’ at the same time. She wanted to know about the thrift store.

  Later on vacation I asked my sister Grace who was watching her cat.

  Philip: Who is watching Nunda?
  Grace: Our neighbor. You should have seen him when we left. He was looking up at us, all sad and pathetic.
  Philip: Your neighbor?
  Grace: No, Nunda.

  Before vacation I was visiting some people in Pittsburgh and they were telling me about the city.

  Kristen: This is Shady Side.
  Phil: Oh, should I go get my stuff out of my car?
  Kristen: No, that’s the name of our borough. 

  During the spring my siblings and I were locked in a heated game of Catan:

  Philip: Paul, I’m not winning! You’ve got another city, another settlement, the longest road card, and you’re way more advanced in the commodities! 
  Paul: Well, my alibi is that last turn you said you were going to win.
  Philip: I don’t know what you mean by the word ‘alibi’ there, because it’s not what is meant by the word ‘alibi.’

  Don’t talk to me about Settlers of Catan right now though. Things haven’t been going well.

  I never did find out what that girl meant by counting calories making her gain weight. 

  • 8:20 pm
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