Month: February 2006

  • Circle the correct answer.


    A. Good morning!  B. Good afternoon!   C. Good evening!  D. Goodnight.   E. Merry Christmas!


    Excluding Oompa Loompas, there is only one secret society I have failed to infiltrate in my life thus far.  Their work is all around us, and their job in America is sacred.  They are the people who name streets.  Where is this meeting?  What people are chosen for such a noteworthy task?  I demand answers, but the government keeps on rewiring me to PBS telethons (I always thought PBS was working for the government!).  Someday I hope to gain entrance to this group of worthy individuals, for what better dream is there than to name streets?  The ideas are endless.


    “Shutup And” Drive
    “Merge” Lane
    “What The Heck Is A” Boulevard
    “1337″ Street
    “Tennis” Court


    After watching a spot of olympics last week I have decided that women’s figure skating is the hardest sport.  This is because it’s the only sport you have to perform while dizzy.  The Japanese woman who won the gold was spinning for nearly a minute straight….and then she just glides away like it’s no big deal.  Don’t tell me skaters are immune to dizziness.  She just spun around several hundred times, there’s no way it didn’t affect her.  The only way another sport would be equivalent is if they drank a few beers before their competitions, but they don’t, so figure skating is the toughest.  People who watch figure skating are always like “Wow! Did you see that triple axle?!” The jumps aren’t the hard part, what you need to realize is that while they are smoothly gliding across the ice the world looks like an earthquake to them.  Competing in a sport? Tough.  Competing while dizzy? 1337. 


    If a profession makes good television then I don’t want it.  For some reason, professions that have more pressure than a criminal at a polygraph machine make enjoyable television:  Doctor, Lawyer, President.  Good money and a lot of prestige, but the stress would rip me apart and eat me like a sloppy joe.  I’d rather just be a simple and have a job that I can interact with people where I am not responsible for saving their life or winning them $10 million.  


    Think about things then write them down.  Read them later.  You will like it.  Goodbye.  And never forget to appreciate the parents.


    The correct answer was E.  Thank you for playing.

  • The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night’s sleep.

    He was a short man, with some bulge to his limbs that gave him a funny walk.  Startled that he was in my kitchen (and going through my refrigerator), I addressed him in a firm, questioning manner.

                “Um, excuse me, sir.  Can I help you?”

                Alarmed at my voice he jumped and turned to me and yelled, “Woh! …oh, my dear lad.  Caught me off guard, you did.  Sorry, I was comin’ to talk to ya, but I’m awfully partial to my warm milk.  I was fixin’ some aforehand.”

                With such a funny voice and character, I immediately relaxed and decided there was nothing to worry about.  But I was still curious as to why he was in my house. 

                “Um, okay, that’s fine.  Might you tell me who you are and why you want to talk to me?”  

                He was still preparing the warm milk as he answered, “Certainly.  I’m an old friend of yours, but you haven’t known me like you see me now, that’s fer sure.  My name is Sleep.”

                Sleep?” I said confused, as my mind drifted to think of how cruel parents were becoming. 

                “Aye, Sleep’s me name.  I have come to talk about you and I.”

                “Am I dreaming?”

                “Ha! Dreamin’? How can ya dream if ya don’t sleep?!” 

                “Good point,” I said, still puzzled.  “You know, you look a lot like Rip Van Winkle.”    

                “Aye, that’s me old name.  I was appointed the guardian of sleep after my nap in the woods those many years ago.  Goes to show what a good nap can do for ya!”

                I didn’t care that it was absurd, I liked the guy, and I wanted to talk to him.  In a jesting manner I remarked,  “So, you’re like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus?”

                His faced dropped.  “No,” he replied, “They’re not real.”

                I stopped smiling. “Oh, right.” 

                The awkward silence and our staring at one another was broken by the microwave’s beeping. 

                “Well lookie there! My milk’s ready!”  he said in a once again energetic voice. 

                We moved to the table and sat down.  After excitedly rubbing his hands together, he sipped his milk. 

                “So why don’t you like me, sonny?” he blurted out. 

                “Like you?” I started, trying to figure it out, “Oh, yeah.  You are Sleep.  Um, well, I don’t really feel the need to sleep.  Besides, without sleep my day is longer.”

                “Well ya know that I make your life longer, don’t ya?” he quipped.

                “Yes, but those extra years of my life would have been spent sleeping.  If I sleep 8 hours a night and live until I’m 90, I really only lived 60 years.  That’s all I was awake for.”  I responded. 

                “I see,” he said, understanding he needed a different approach. “You know, a lot of very interesting people are known for their hibernation:  Astronauts, Han Solo, Grizzly Bears…”

                “Yeah, but I mean, sleeping is a nuisance.  It’s like a long commercial break to my favorite show.  Staying up late is my way of fast-forwarding through those commercials.”

                “No, you’ve got the wrong thinkin’, lad.  Think like this: you’re good friend Sleep is like a spring, like the thingy that launches the pinball,” he said, trying to help me understand very carefully, “All night long the spring becomes more and more compressed, and then upon waking up it launches you into the day!  The more sleep, the higher the spring launches ya out inta the big sky!  And then you’re really livin’ then, o boy,”  he explained, very excited about what he was saying. 

                “Hmmm…” came from my face, staring straight ahead, scraping in my mind for a rejoinder.  Then it came to me, “Ahh, but in the book of Proverbs it says that slumber brings poverty.” I was confident he couldn’t argue against God’s word.

                “O, don’t think I aven’t erd that one before! Solomon generally wrote his proverbs around noon, I think he was talking about then.  Asides, the wise man is early to bed and early to rise. Y’know, like the early bird gets the worm an’ all that.”

                “Yes, but the owl, the symbol of the wise, is nocturnal.  And the bird who pulled an all-nighter beats the early bird,” I quipped with a grin across my face. 

                After the quick-witted replies, there was a moment where we both paused.  This time, he tried talking to me on a personal level.

                “Listen, Philly boy, you really need me.  Remember the good old nights? Why do you like stayin’ up s’late anyhow?” 

                “Well,” I explained, “midnight is where it’s happening because nothing’s happening.”

                He looked confused.

                “Besides,” I continued, “I don’t really like lying down in my bed all that much.”

                “O, that’s easy to fix, lad,” he replied, “Just sleep around!”

                “Um…?”

                “You know, around your house.”

                “Oh, yeah. Of course.”

                He smiled at me and nodded his head, hoping I would nod with him.

                “But the night just gives me this sense of wonder.  The rest of America dreams away, while New York, the stars, and I guard the night.  Silence reigns during the hours where traffic has subsided and the clamorous people of the world have been drawn into an unconscious slumber.  There are two worlds around us, and the world of Night is far more adventurous than the world of Day.  How could I willingly bid farewell to a place that I have grown to love?”

                With a sense of hopelessness about him, he didn’t quite know what to say.

                “Would you abandon me, your friend, for a sense of wonder? Just open your mind!”

                “Open my mind? You want me to close my mind! That’s what sleep is!”

                “But closing your mind gives the day its marvel once you have awoken! Every flower was once a bud and every play starts behind a curtain.  Sleep is the curtain that rests before it is pulled back to reveal the day!  Without the curtain, there is no anticipation, and the show loses its foretelling sense of excitement, and the audience is not as delighted!”

                Sleep looked at me sheepishly, waiting for a reaction.  Maybe he was right after all.  I had always scoffed at the thought of sleep, like it was the fad of having a pet rock.  If sleeping was a fad, it is certainly the longest running fad, and it probably won’t die out.  What would happen if I joined the crowd and wrapped up the night at 10 or 11 PM?  I tried to rationalize it.

    “But sleeping is such a vulnerable state.  People could draw on your face, or put shaving cream on you, or TP your house!  I’ve never seen a TP’ed bat cave.”

    “I’d rather have sharpie on my face than have a shortened life.”

    That was it.  I caved.  He was right.  How could I have been so blind?  Sleep was my friend, I had only forgotten.  To sleep and to dream and awake to the morning is a glorious thing.  It was like a revolution had occurred in my brain.  The brain cells that wanted sleep had overthrown the government and were now rejoicing in the streets. 

    “I’m sorry, Sleep! I want to sleep again! I’m so very sorry that I’ve neglected you!” 

    “Ahh, why that’s alright, lad.  Let me tell ya, New Year’s Eve is a lonely night for me, so I know what it feels like.  And those confounded girls that have sleepovers! It’s like an organized protest against me!” 

    With a compromise and truce found with my friend, Sleep, I began to hope for peace in the Middle East.  If I can make it to bed at 11 P.M., then by golly, there can be hope that the world can learn to cope with differences.  Sleep walked out the door and went to his convertible, where Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy had been waiting for him.  I shook my head to myself and set my aim for dreamworld, a place I love more than Wendy’s. 

     

    Have a goodnight.  But better yet, have a good sleep.

  • I Think She Likes Me


    An uninspiring gray expanse for a sky might have done it to the stout and disparaging woman, for her air seemed as depressingly angry as that of which the sky made me sense was the mood of the town.  In the plaza parking lot I closed the car door, shot my head back and hawcked up a sizeable glob of yellow-geenish matter which I then expulsed by instantaneously ricocheting my head forward so the glob would meet the ground.  In other words, I spat a lugey.  She wasn’t very happy about that.


    “Oh my gosh! That’s sick and wrong! Why don’t you find another place to do that?!?”


    In a reserved, deliberate manner I turned my body to face the antagonized woman.  It seemed as though she stood waiting for a reply that she would not listen to just so she could scream again in response.  In a calm gesture I adressed her kind rebuke to ease her dander:


    “Ma’am, you and I are standing in a parking lot of several hundreds cars.  These cars emit vapor of burned gasoline into the air at astounding rates over the course of the year.  This destroys the o-zone which protects humans from ultra-violet rays which causes humans to contract skin cancer.  Cancer makes people die.  Now that’s wrong.  And sick?  You and I are also standing only a few hundred feet from a Taco Bell.  The decievingly delicious-looking and yet repulsively abominable contents of those tacos are, in reality, less preferable for a meal than the slimy matter diffused from my body moments ago.  If people actually knew what was in Taco Bell food, they would use it on Fear Factor. Now that’s sick.  In actuality, a poor boy coughing a lugey on the ground is the least offensive thing in the area.”


    Her face had gradually become unstuck from the angry, teeth-clinched manner it was in at the beginning of my address.  She said plainly, “Oh.”


    The pwned lady ignominiously strided away, not quite sure of what had just happened.  Another American had been victim of a 1337 h4x0r.  What’s a 1337 h4x0r?  They’re out there, and you aren’t quite sure of who they are.  They happen when it’s least expected.  Candid camera has become H4x0r camera.  Upon being accosted, they will slowly turn to you, patiently examine you and the situation, and proceed to pwn you thoroughly.  So be careful, or you might just get your dignity taken from you faster than the internet speed at Bill Gates’s house. They are anonymous people, but their leader is Chuck.  


    Eh, that could have happened, it instantly occured in my imagination once the setting was painted.  It was based on a true story, we’ll say that.  (“Based on a true story” means everything happened except for the dialogue.)


    But it’s true, I got very sick today.  I am at roughly 8 oz. of snot/hour in gross production.  My sinuses are more congested than a Chinese airport. 


    Start the day with a dance and end with a sigh.  A toast! Two eProps to living with a loving God, PopTarts, board games, and bedtimes! 


    This night is finite so why not have a fine night?    

  • Wit With Wisdom Wins Word Wars

    (Our clashing foes of good and evil have been brawling for close to 30 minutes.  Both are grabbing all the air they can find, when finally the villain pins the hero to the wall with a lighting-fast barrage of non-mechanical pencils.  The two stop fighting to exchange words.)

    Villain: A ha! You misunderstimate my powers!

    Hero:  Misunderestimate? That’s not a word.

    Villain:  How dare you challenge the validity of my grammar!

    Hero:  It’s not a grammatical challenge.  It’s more like a Scrabble word challenge.

    Villain:  You can’t make the word ‘misundestimate’ in scrabble, it has too many letters!

    Hero.  Someone could have done ‘mate’, then ‘estimate’, then ‘underestimate’, but if you then make it ‘misunderestimate’, well that’s just wrong.

    Villain:  Without a dictionary your challenge is not valid!

    Hero:  Daniel Webster would not have given your atrocious attempt at constructing words any mercy!  Rather, he would have beaten you relentlessly with sticks and stones on the spot!

    Villain:  Sticks and stones?  Daniel Webster wrote the dictionary.  I thought his super power was insulting people using extremely long words.

    Hero:  It was.  Then he found out they couldn’t hurt anybody.  So he switched to sticks and stones. 

    Villain:  Mmmm.  I failed Super Hero History Class…

    Hero:  And apparently English too.

    Villain:  You’ve gone too far!

    Hero:  Let’s settle this.

    Villain:  Battle?

    Hero:  A Scrabble battle, to be precise.

    Villain:  Perfect.  Prepare to be disextroyed!

    Hero: (Under breath)  We’re going to need a dictionary…

    END.

  • Good evening comrades, pull up a chair, let’s talk about life…

    Sometimes I just want to be in a hot air balloon with some snacks and a best friend.  Then we can soar over the divine alpenglow and speak of things that can’t be thought of at normal elevation.  And we would have lots of pillows too. With feathers.  I’ve never had a pillow with feathers. 

    In midst of a raging debate about abortion, here is what I notice:

    Republicans say that you haven’t lived until conception.

    Democrats say that you haven’t lived until you are born.

    I say that you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Chai Tea.

    To me, anyone can be a super hero with just a few supplies from their local CVS pharmacy. To be a super hero, attain the following:

    1. An empty utility belt.
    2. Silly Putty
    3. Plenty of Bouncy Balls
    4. Silly String
    5. A mask
    6. A large supply of painkillers (and a mentality that is ready to overdose)

    Becoming a super hero after that should be pretty self-explanatory.  But if you really need the help:  Of course, after fitting on your mask (every super hero has a secret identity), fit your tools into your utility belt.  Silly putty is for traveling on walls/ceilings.  If you need to blind someone, use the silly string.  If you get in a battle with someone, use the bouncy balls, which can easily be retrieved when they are bouncing around.  Now you just need a super hero name, an overdose on painkillers, and you are ready to save the world. 


    Motivational seminars are a waste of money.  All you really need is a good view of the sunset.

    Farewell, good-bye, so long. Just know that I’m watching the same moon as you.  Or, for contemporary means, just know that I’m watching the same Daily Show as you.    

  • Hello friends! And welcome to the fallout.


    I do like the gelid, chilly bite in the winter air.  For as John L. Parker put it in regards to a winter with warm days thrown throughout: “Such a winter is always getting one’s hopes up.“  I’d rather be certain of the frosty hell that awaits me than to have a glint of hope that it might be a warm, sunny day.  Besides, if winter is like summer, then the real summer loses it’s appeal.  Having a summery winter and a summery summer would be like eating nothing but desserts, which makes it taste ordinary. 


    Sleeping and eating are merely addictions.  Being tired and hungry are merely withdrawal symptoms.  Get past those, and you are free to live. 


    Oh, and I’ve fallen in love.  I met her the other day and she has the most beautiful and supremely enchanting body I have ever seen.  Her curves are delicately defined on the most consummate level.  Think I love her just for the looks? You’re wrong.  She has a really deep level too.  At times she will just pour herself out to me.  She is also very delicate, and I’m going to have to be careful to make sure she is not broken in the relationship.  There are times where she is more hot than others, and in those moment I just like to hold her…


    …It is by far the most perfect and ideal mug I have ever seen. Ever. A splendid shade of forrest green, and it only cost me 50 cents (Hmm…50 cents? kinda makes her sound like a hooker)  Now she’s all mine.     


    Right then, I’ve got to go prepare a closing argument and later on I have a date with some integrals.  Hmmm…I’ve got to quit that relationship analogy with inanimate things.  Oh well!


    That’s all folks!


     

  • A Fire Worth Stoking


    I posted once before on the multiplicity of like objects giving the finest glory.  If you didn’t read it, do so because it preludes this post. It’s the September 1st post here: http://www.xanga.com/StrokeofThought?nextdate=8%2f5%2f2005+1%3a49%3a8.423&direction=p.


    Offer the distasteful back alley of society a sharp stare and you will notice something: the drunkards, suicidal persons, and cowards of life all share a similar feature: they lack real friends.  “Lonely” is the diagnosis of a friendless person.  Loneliness is the father of despair, and despair is the father of a wasted life.  An honest friend would not let their companion waste their life, instead they would challenge them find a life worth the agony.  And on that basis I state that the above people do not own such comrades.     


    “Carry each other’s burden’s, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”    Galatians 6.2


    One of the primary themes of being a disciple of Christ is exactly this: creating potent friendships.  Examine a metaphor:


    Imagine a lone candle burning on a table.  Merely lean in to the candle and blow and the flame will die instantly.  Now consider a bonfire, where log upon log has been stacked until the flames have reached monumental heights.  What happens when you blow on the fire?  Why, it enhances the fire’s immensity! 


    So it is with life.  Stand alone, and a person is bound to fall when the winds of trouble blow their way.  However, tribulations antagonizing a united front of people will only add to their strength.  That’s what happens when you aggregate a group of passionate people who have all been set on fire by Christ.  They act in supplementary form, and when they are consolidated into a massive unit they coruscate the glory of God.


    There is power in numbers.  There is power in love.  Add both together, and what do you get?  An awesome, impervious power. 


    All we have to do now is spread like wildfire.


    Further reading: 1 John: 7-21. 


    And now I am off to write my closing argument for mock trial.  Farewell fond friends, I hope I next find you in fine fettle.


    And just remember, anyone whoever said, “I’m at a loss for words,” didn’t really mean it.


    This night is finite so why not have a fine night?