November 14, 2007
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I have been reluctant to write about my thoughts on relationships, because after reading them a person who doesn’t know me might be compelled to imagine me as a disgruntled cynic that hates love and wants to kill married people for fun. But, supposedly and hopefully, by making clear that I am worried people might think this, I have simultaneously prevented them from doing so.
Although since I have made a point in my actual life to not care what people may or may not think of me, and since the online world is profoundly less real and important than real life, I suppose you may imagine me as you wish. [Dryly] Who knows. Maybe I do want to kill married people.
Thus, here are some recent thoughts I’ve had.
Any and everyone in my generation is subject to a good deal of ‘relationship influence’ from a myriad of different sources, but mainly from friends who are actually in relationships. And living in the context of surrounding relationships does a funny thing to you when you’re single. Subconsciously, what it does is create a category in your mind of the fact that there is a potential person lurking out there for you. Because relationships permeate our culture, anything that is a reference to the mating process is a tacit reminder to singles that they are single. Thus, singles take the fact of their singleness into account almost all the time. It is a way of looking at life that knows very profoundly that you are single, like it is as much a fact about you as the clothes you have on.
As a person that has this mental category of ‘relationships’ that has its status set on ‘vacant’, every person of the opposite gender you now meet has an invisible thread connecting you because they are a potential relationship prospect. However slight this automatic preset connection is between singles who know they’re single is, it is nevertheless undeniably there. It is the result of living with the live idea of a possible relationship, a possibility which results from participating in an atmosphere of thought which advocates you being in a relationship, an atmosphere which is created and powered by the relationships around you.
The point is, single people often know they’re single really, really well. It’s like the sun. Not only is it possible to physically see the sun (which would be meditating on the fact you’re single), but it casts light over everything you see, which is the constant subcsoncious realization of your singleness.
Now in my experience this phenomenon can make you simply miserable. Living in a way where you are subconsciously expecting a future event that will somehow complement your current existence is a truly depressing state. Picture a world where everyone walked around in rain coats because it might rain. Are these people happy? Should they be wearing these rain coats?
Imagine, then, cutting all the invisible threads to other people that represent the perpetually live possibility of them being ‘the one.’ What if you just threw the entire mental category of singleness in your mental trash can? What if you were no longer a puzzle piece with legs, waiting to connect to its complementary end, but were a portrait in and of yourself? What if everyday you simply acted like you would if you had no idea you would ever be in a relationship? What if you were simply ‘you’?
Now, I have no idea what you’re thinking (but would love to hear it), but to me, that is a truly glorious thought. And don’t take my thoughts on this further than I have stated; maybe one day I will get married, but think: does this prospect alone necessitate me to live my life bracing for the impact, as though it were perpetually imminent? It might even be the case that shedding the skin of singleness ensures the authenticity of any relationship should it appear. In other words, shutting down your relationship radar could possibly reduce the possibility of crush fallacies.
Besides, I have been working on my mating call, and it’s getting pretty good. So whenever I feel like it’s time to settle down and get married all I really need is my front porch and a decent amp system.
Comments (10)
I love that last line…
And speaking as a single girl with whom this post resonates pretty soundly, all I can say is that if I am destined to wear a raincoat in case of rain, I intend to make it the cutest, most fashionable and enjoyable raincoat to wear: imagine all you could do with it! You could have special pockets for snacks, and maybe string some Christmas lights around your neck for a nice effect…The point being, that wearing a raincoat in case it might someday rain doesn’t have to be a drudgery. If you make it fun to wear one during nice weather, imagine how great it will be when it actually does rain?
Just a thought…
I’ve heard this view before. Generally, I think it’s the healthiest one our there. Looking for something makes you incomplete without it, sometimes, in some ways, and needy people normally don’t look appealing from a realationship standpoint. My own resolve is to keep my head, listen to wisdom, live with my heart, and try to be content with what God has given me. It does help, I must say, to attend a church in which teen relationships are (really now) unheard of. We should seek to become the best people we can be so that we have the most to offer those who consider us. And learning to be content in every circumstace is probably a biger part of that then most would like to admit.
Good thoughts. I think I’ve learned this view by necessity. The longer you’re single, the more you have to take yourself as a sole person. Not that I’m old or anything, but after awhile you become adjusted to the fact that you’re single and it doesn’t look like it’s going to change any time soon. But I don’t think I’ll ever actually resign myself to being single, partly because no matter how much I like my life as it is, I hope I’m not single all my life, and partly because we just simply aren’t made complete in ourselves. So it’s a good thing you’re working on your mating call.
I wholly agree with you. ~ L
A thought provoking post. It’s somewhat of a cliche in some circles, but wise was the man who once said; “Instead of sitting around waiting FOR the right person to walk into your life, why not concentrate on BEING the right person?”. To me, that makes a lot of sense because I really don’t have the time to waste worrying about what will happen in this area anyway. Just going to live my life to the fullest and when my Eve comes along, we’ll be ready for each other.
I decided a few years ago to just be me. I’m not in a relationship, so I can’t be “we” me. And I refuse to live as “single” me. So, I’m just me. If God has someone out there for me, then it’ll happen, and who am I to stress out over it?
Thank you for writing this.
Let me see if I can paraphrase…
What you essentially said is, there is a ton of pressure for you to not be single. Because of this, and maybe a few other things, it makes you miserable… so the idea of relationships is an exhausting one.
Then you go about asking, “What if, you can get over this sort of thing? That you dont need someone else to complete you.”
Well yeah… I think it’s definately true. I dont go walking around feeling painfully aware of my singleness. At all… I dont feel invisible threads or constant reminders of my potential or lack of… in the relationship realm.
Im not bitter at all. In fact Im very happy… and if a relationship happens, it happens. But Im not haunted by the prospect. Theres so much more to life than relationships.
this comment has been like an hour in the writing and editing department. enjoy it. most of that was just getting stupid grammar right. i really cant speak the english language that well. it could be due to the fact that a russian lady taught me english grammar and lit. oh and by the way, i copied this whole conversation(your post, my comment) into my blog.
i really understand this firsthand. it used to be like any girl who gave me the time of day was put into the ” ok maybe if things work out” category. i think not only is that hindering for relationship with the opposite sex, it also is very disrespectful to that person. in a christian context, we should see others as our family; that makes girls our sisters, and guys our brothers. you know that in the bible there is no “dating” or “datable” category for men and women. only family and spouse.
anyways this is where im trying to get to: a disclplined life in everything, taking only what i need, giving more than i have, and loving first god, then people. i believe that i will get married, but im forsaking the whole concept of ‘dating’ and i’ll even go as far as to say ‘courtship.’ i think that there is no room for it in my particular value system. i want to explore it in another way. i want the girl i marry to be someone i have a strong spiritual connection with, basically a good friend. that someday at a coffe shop, amidst conversation of jesus, the physical beauty of the world, and literature, one of us will say unexpectedly, ” we should get married” and then suddenly the other one of us will go, “wow, that makes alot of sense for us to get married. were very compatible, and it makes sense for god to want us to be one with the other, to multipy and raise kids, and learn to love eachother as husband and wife.” i want the physical to be the backdrop for a much more beautiful and spiritual marrige. of course sex is important, but not AS important as we might think. i want sex to merley be the acting out of our spiritual connection.
BUT
the most important thing is to understand god works in all sorts of ways. we must not limit god into one way of action, and hold on to our values as we see resonable and faithful. so like in everything: there is a balance. we must find the center of biblical tension.
shit, i just realized for some reason all the edits and correction i spent so much time on didnt even save….so i guess you’ll just haveto guess at some parts.
I read your post and I’ve been thinking about it lately. I like the part where you say
“The point is, single people often know they’re single really, really well. It’s like the sun. Not only is it possible to physically see the sun (which would be meditating on the fact you’re single), but it casts light over everything you see, which is the constant subconscious realization of your singleness. ”
which is very true to me
but i agree with the idea of living like you’re not constantly anticipating singleness and being single doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy