November 1, 2008

• The average person doesn’t exist

  I can’t really tell twins apart, which isn’t fair to people like me, and I’m big into social justice, so I think the government should pass legislation that requires all twins to wear nametags.  Either that or I guess I’ll just have keep calling everyone I know by their last names.

  Speaking of which, I have done a lot of research on politics recently, and from this research I have concluded that there is *definitely* an election going on right now.

  For the next presidential election I think someone should run with the last name ‘Bumper’ and their running mate should have the last name ‘Sticker.’  They would be Bumper/Sticker ’12.

  It’s always great to read statistics that prove things I already knew.  “Driving blindfolded increases car accidents, study finds.”  I always think, “Twelve million dollars to find that out—I could have told you that.   Which of my other thoughts would the government pay $12 million to know?”

  I gave up desserts so I would live longer.  But then I couldn’t eat desserts, so I killed myself.

  I have decided to become a vegetarian in-between meals.

  There is very little difference between checking movies out of a library and renting them from a movie rental place when you have a bad memory.

  Judging from the languages on that caution sign, apparently only people who read English and/or Spanish have a tendency to slip on wet floors.  Either that, or you only deserve to live if you can read English or Spanish.

  I contradict myself.  Which means I am definitely right.

  • 3:14 am
  • 7 Comments