December 15, 2009

• Sorry I’m late, I got hit by a red shell on my way here

  Some people think that all of human behavior is driven by a desire for sex.  I have similar views, but I think our behavior is in fact driven by a desire for frosting.  That’s right.  All of our relationships, social interactions, life plans . . . revolve around an inexorable subconscious desire to get as much frosting as possible.  Even marrying someone is just because we know eventually there will be a cake in it for us.  Friendships?  Those are for birthday parties.  Where there will be frosting.  Ultimately, every conversation we’ve ever had is part of our scheme to get more and more frosting.  In fact, if you listen closely enough during conversations at parties you can hear a faint whisper inside of you after every question you ask say, “. . . and where is your frosting?”  

  I think people like to feel like they are on the inside of a big secret.  Thus, if I ever have a store this is how my commercials will go.  A camera will be moving down a dark alley until suddenly a man in a trench coat steps in front of it.  Then in a deep, throaty voice he’ll explain, “Listen, don’t talk.  Here’s what you need to do.  Go to the corner of Main and 14th and go down the street two blocks.  There you’ll see a large sign that says ‘Trader Phil’s’.  Walk to the front of the store and stop, look both ways, then enter the building.  Inside you’ll find products.  Find one of them that you like and take it to the front; there you’ll find a man at a cash register.  Pay him for it and then leave.  Make sure you’re not followed.  This conversation never happened.”  And then he’ll vanish into the fog.

  In fact, I think if drugs were replaced with illegal trading cards, things would go on just the same.  Because people like being secretive and awesome.  Instead of actual cocaine, they can have trading cards for cocaine which has a shiny picture of it, and its attacks are “Elevated mood” and “Feelings of supremacy”.  The dealers will still meet in back alleys with vans, and suitcases full of the cards which they’ll show to their clients.  The client will check to make sure they are not fake shiny cards.  Then the deal will be complete.

  I wonder if facebook statuses can be used as alibis.  “Mr. Smith, where were you at the time of the crime?” Mr. Smith responds, “Well I think my facebook is pretty clear on that. I was, and I quote, ’watching the history channel. woah. i’m pretty sure UFOs are real.  waffle house tonight anyone??’”

  On that note, if I was Osama Bin Laden I would get a facebook and update my statuses with cryptic messages like, “Up the hill and around the bend, a cat like snow is a pleasant friend, but clouds on high disguise our cache, as though it weren’t enough it looks like trash,” just so I could giggle as I thought about how long intelligence officials from around the world would spend trying to figure out what it means. 

  I have now installed a lever in my car so that when I am getting onto the highway I can say to my passenger “Chewy, get ready to make the jump to lightspeed” and then moments later I’ll pull the lever.

  Everyone have a beautiful day, and make it beautiful for someone else along the way too!   

  • 4:47 am
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