January 9, 2010
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Searching for God knows what
It’s weird to see all that you think before you. When it’s all in your head, you wonder if you really think it: you write it down, and suddenly it’s confirmed. Look! Cold, hard evidence.
One thing that reveals something to me about my human nature is that I have many more thoughts in the category “What I am Owed” than I do in the category “What I Owe.”
Sometimes people don’t like themselves, and they don’t even know it. I hear of people who will talk to a person at a party and then say later they found the person “boring”. But why is it the other person’s fault? Maybe you failed at bringing out the interesting things in that person. Why consider it their failure? Might it not be your failure to be able to engage new people in a way that makes them feel relaxed and open? And so, people who are bad at making conversation fun don’t like themselves, but they don’t even know it.
One great thing about feeling absolutely terrible because of something someone said to you is that it makes you realize all the power you have. Recently I felt so bulldozed by how someone treated me, but eventually it made me think, ‘Wow, have I ever made someone else feel like this?‘ It was incredible to think that my words might ever have such a potently devastating effect on a person. Could I really ruin all of reality for someone for a day?
And you know, I’d like to think that ‘Oh no no, I have never said anything that could make someone feel quite so terrible.’ The problem is that I’m pretty sure that the person who made me feel bad doesn’t know anything about it. But that makes it all the worse for me; that means in all likelihood, I have probably left someone similarly devastated. People are fragile. It is not hard.
One time I was at a coffee shop and I overheard a girl (er, woman—a young woman) talking to an older woman about a guy. The guy had not called her in awhile. They had used to date, and now the situation was distant and confusing. The girl was speaking in a low voice, and very slowly, almost like she was about to cry, even though she wasn’t. She was talking about how sad she was that the guy had not really made any attempt to call her or hang out with her at all. He had sent her a text recently, but it was terse and impersonal. Apparently this text was like an icy dagger: its shortness and uninviting nature had the effect on her of meaning, “I don’t care about you deeply, I don’t really want to hang out with you, things aren’t the way they used to be, you and I have fallen apart, I don’t try to protect your feelings anymore” etc. The girl was really roughed up over it.
I think their whole talk was about the situation with the guy, but to be honest I didn’t hear any more of it. But that one part really got me thinking about what things mean to people when you don’t even realize it. It is basically insane that we have the power to destroy other people by putting invisible ideas into the air with our mouths. How many times have I conquered someone’s world without even knowing I had ordered the invasion? It is a curious thing to think about, and one well worth reflecting on. Why are we even humans in the first place? Maybe thinking about things like this, and deciding on what sort of things to say to other people is part of the answer.
Comments (10)
Lord put a hand over my mouth that there may be caution in what I may say. Good post. I have been hurt in the past by what others have said and then wondered later on whether they really meant their words to be hurtful.
Wow…what a great post.
Perspective.
Definitely worth a rec.
Very good points… I think we forget about this a lot (I know I do.) Your title made me think of that book by Donald Miller that has the same name… you might want to check it out!
I’d comment your site if I could read it. Too much contrast for such small fonts. sorry.
Brilliant, man. Keep up the insightful posts!
@Passionflwr86 -
Yeah! I love that book! The title is meant to allude to it, since I felt like the post was very much in line with lifeboat theory. I love the way he develops it, I think about it all the time now.
Thanks for the comment!
@Da__Vinci -
Hmm. . . it’s true it strains my eyes too when it gets too small. But for the internet under the button that says “Page” on my toolbar and under “Text Size” I keep it on “Larger.” My font size in the post is whatever is default for Xanga posts.
Sorry that it shows up small!
Love it. So true. And I know that my words probably have unintentionally crushed some people, because my tongue obeys the honesty rule more than it does the sympathy rule. I’ll crush you with the truth about your life. Heh. I mean well. I only crush people I care about. But it still probably feels awful to be on the receiving end sometimes.
I’ve learned tact and caution over the years, so I doubt I do this quite so much anymore. But it makes me really, really nervous to be around shy people or people who don’t talk about their feelings in an upfront manner. I don’t know where I am with them. I can’t pick up on the clues unless I’ve known them for ten years, and even then I’m still oblivious at times. I like straight-forward people. It kills to have somebody say, “Hey, you hurt me when you said that” but I’d rather be given the opportunity to apologize than just have someone silently hating me for the rest of their life. *shudders*
~V
A great post. I know that I am guilty of not thinking about the hurt I can cause people. I can get so caught up in what they have done to me or how I am hurting that I hatrdly ever think I could have caused the same pain to someone else. An eye-opening read