February 4, 2010

• The music is really fast tonight (SOCIETY!)

  Way drunk on people, life, and words and phrases that don’t make sense.  And perhaps a little too much coffee.

  Because you know coffee does things to you.  They should probably overregulate it until we all become communists, and then world history can be blamed on caffeine, which it probably should be anyways.  What war wasn’t declared because the brew was a little too strong that morning?  I have graphed it, and the cruelty and frequency of wars actually correlates very nicely with coffee production in Europe and parts of Asia that have never been discovered.

  Another thing you’d think people would have figured out by now are commercials.  I mean, they are just trying to get us to buy stuff.  It’s so obvious.  But I have figured them out.  Now I always look for premises and conclusions in the commercial, but they never have them so I am never convinced.  Unless there is a really hot girl in the commercial, then I am hooked and I buy it everytime.  I cannot tell you how much women’s shampoo I own.  Hot girls are always good arguments to a guy. 

  Why is everyone always making fun of ‘Cold, boring philosophy’ because it kills all the mystery in life?  Grow up, John Keats.  If philosophy is so alone and cold, maybe you should invite it in for some hot chocolate, warm up together by the fire, and then you could be the very best of friends with your new dazzling companion, who you find to be full of a vigorous humor and a tremendous energy about all things lovable and good.

  Logic is really quite a drunken companion in life, even though people think he is such a stringent and unbudging curmudgeon.  But no, really he is wild.  Because he can take anything you see and then connect it with something else you saw way back when, and combine them to make a whole new creature of a conclusion!  But then that conclusion gets with another conclusion from the day before, and they make wild, raucous love all over the bar.  Yes, your friend logic really leads to some crazy nights, where all of a sudden balloons are floating out of holes in the ground to make the entire sky be filled with them, until you notice that they are all forming the picture of a circus, which you find quite ironic.

  Speaking of which, one time a friend of mine used the word ‘falsity’, and later on another guy pointed out quite pretentiously, ‘And to set the record straight, ‘falsity’ is not a word’.  It took us awhile and a trip to the dictionary to find out the falsity of his accusation.

  The fallacy of most people is that they do not think about outer space enough.  Really there are important questions out there: what does the moon spend most of its time thinking about?  Are sandwiches more of a melancholic or joyful food?  (Did you know meat could expire? I ate a sandwich last night with expired meat, which I didn’t know could happen. That might be a part of all this.) 

  Expiration dates are probably shams meant to keep capitalism going.  Shame on all of us for believing them.  (And it didn’t even take a hot girl to convince me.)  But people shouldn’t be worried about capitalism, because capitalism will always be alive as long as people are using playing cards.  Why?  Because humans will ALWAYS lose playing cards, and need to buy more packs.  That is what keeps the playing card industry alive.  It is our finite intellects which propels it forever onward.

  It is really our finite intellects which make life so interesting, because it means we have to figure everything out.  I passed by a parking lot earlier where one car had its trunk open and I thought, “IS IT A DRUG DEAL?”  Humans want to find explanations for things, which is why some people think the black death was caused by meteor showers that dropped the disease all over Europe.  Those people are idiots, but they are good for showing that humans like to find explanations for things, so let’s keep them.

  The other day this guy said, ’I bought these headphones for $100, and they block everything out perfectly.’  But he is crazy, because I play songs in my brain that block everything else out perfectly, and my brain was free.  Although that led me to think that my brain wasn’t technically free, because my mother had to grow me inside of her, and she had to eat food to do it.  So my brain is actually worth a fraction of the food that my mom ate while pregnant.  I wonder how much money I took to grow.

  Narcissism in me is a perfection, but in everyone else it is a flaw.  You know, I think it is interesting that we cannot see our own faces unless we have a mirror, and I have always wanted to write a story about a man who never saw his own face, and it would go on to emphasize—in quite a profound fashion—just how much we are capable of focusing on other people instead of ourselves.  But I never wrote it, and then I died. 

  By the way if you are wondering what the point is to all this, you can now think a very intersting thing, which is that humans like there to be points to things.  But if you like there to be points to things, you should think about your whole life and wonder if there is a point to it.  Because my friend and I were talking earlier about how believing in God is basically believing that life is a story.  If God’s not there, there’s no story.  We just kind of ‘here’, and there’s nothing to actually do.  So if you think that life is something like a story, then you have good evidence that God exists. 

  Otherwise, if not a story, life is most like a dream—a nonsensical reality, temporally present, unremembered once over.

  But back to business!  Although there are people who think that life actually is a dream.  Man, I’ve always wanted life to be a dream.  That would be a dream come true.  And other people have weird views, like psychologists.  They think life is a like a video game where you go through stages, and in order to win the game you have to successfully pass each stage.  Some stages happen when we are very young, and if you don’t win them you screw up the whole game.  So I actually don’t know if I can still win at this point, but I think getting all nervous about whether or not I won those stages is failing at some other stage, so I had better just stop worrying about it and move on.

  Being single is awesome because you get to have fun with everybody.  But recently I got afraid that one day I would look around me and everyone would be married and I would be like, ‘Oh crap.’  I guess life is like a school assignment and we were all supposed to partner up.  But that is okay, because I have a plan: I will go to the beach and make sandcastles everyday.  I’ve always felt like my sandcastle creativity was compromised by family members anyways.  Then again it is good to do things as a team.  So what I will do instead is let all the little kids who always ask to join in help out, and we will build a ginormous castle, and then I will get out the pirate boats and soldiers I brought along as a surprise, and we will have an epic battle for the ages.  Certainly the sun will set, and the tide will rise, but that day will live in our hearts forever.

  If life is a dance floor (and it is), then sometimes there is a fast song playing and sometimes there is a slow song playing.  There are a lot of gray skies in Ohio, and lots of times it is a slow song, and the days tick, tick, tick, all day, and I eat lots of sandwiches, though I’m not sure if I’m supposed to.  But then other nights the music gets really really fast and I am with friends and if I think it I say it, and we laugh and laugh, and we are glad we are alive. 

  Sometimes friendship is a spaceship and you can explore the entire universe together.  Other friendships you try to build that technology, but they speak another language, and you never even get to automobiles, much less to space race technology.  Ah, but how I love a good spaceship friend!

  My friend Mike Bob once said to me, “You sure do have a high sugar intake” and I said, “What can I say, I am a friendly person. If I see sugar out on the street, I will take it in.”  

  There was a lot of sugar on the streets tonight, my friends.  Maybe it is not healthy to not be crazy when we live in a crazy world, and you should be taking copious notes on all this.  Sure society has a stranglehold on all our lives, but just think of all the sandcastles we could make!  Besides, society is as logicless as the hot girl in the ad.  We could launch off into outer space in spaceships and live off sandwiches, while never knowing what that meant.  Our friend philosophy could make nebulae shine all the brighter, while logic made galaxies collide against their will!  And we would think it was a great story, but then maybe we would wake up at the end and realize that it was all just a dream brought on by too much coffee.

  • 5:02 am
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