January 1, 2011

• For when I forget

  In the parking lot at Cane’s, I felt my soul come alive.  I was not expecting it, the wind, the sun, the old joy from years when we were young and our lives had not become complicated beyond repair.  We would go to one another’s’ houses, the adult somewhere.  But in our rooms we would have cards, and there was a whole big idea of adventure everywhere.  We could go to the creek, we could play in the street, we could see inside other houses.  How the sun glowed over everything in the days of my youth. 

  Laughing in fields, with high swaying winds.  I feel the coolness, yet my skin is warm, and life has crawled underneath of it and is filling me with sorrow and meaning, for this is life, and it is beautiful because of the speed with which it comes and goes.  What a curious thing the memory is.  If you felt totally different at another time of life, you would never know it unless you buried the memory in something that would cause everything to come back.  The wind blowing and the warmth of the days reminds me of running.  But we do not truly remember – we are now, and the experience is in our minds.  Experiences can truly happen only once.  Every memory is a false memory. 

  Are there those out there who do not feel the glory of their days?  When the sun is behind the clouds, and the sky seems huge, do they not feel that life is an awesome thing, that it is incredible we get to be in it?  Does the force of the emotion not stir in them, does it not well up until they are speechless with wonder? 

  A man may doubt what he thinks, but he will never doubt what he feels.

  Leaving Emily’s and realizing how warm out it was, and the moistness covering the roads, with a big black sky covering the city’s night life, I felt adventurous.  Where were we to go?  What was to happen?  These are the same fellows I’ve known for years, and here we are: we are alive.  The whole world has just joined together in watching as time goes by.  We are participating together.  Are we not together in the search for life and joy as well?

  My childhood days are mostly gone.  I cannot get back what happened.  So much happens every day, I am sure I forget most of it.  But I know where I was, what sorts of things went on, and today, looking back, and seeing how everything evolves in life, makes it seem amazing that such a thing should happen to such creatures, and for it all to mean nothing.  That would be truly incredible. 

  But life has been imparted to us; respond to the gift as it appears to you.  It is resplendent, and fills us with a giddy feeling of joy and a deep sense of mystery; its elements combine to create in us a feeling we would never trade, not for the most brilliant host of stars.  I am glad I grew up in the universe.  I am glad I got a life.  You can move around, there are other people; you can sing and dance and laugh and say hello.  You can become a person and love others, and they will love you back.  What a marvelous thing to be, this body with limbs for loving others! 

  What a beautiful God there must be, I have heard someone say.  Do you believe it?  Could these warm sunny days be explained without him?  The weather makes me believe in God.  I am happy to be alive.

  • 4:16 am
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