January 3, 2011
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Resolved
Here is my New Year’s Resolution: To kill more monsters.
Why is this my resolution? Well basically, because it gets the chicks. Chicks really dig this resolution for the following reasons.
1. If I say I want to kill more monsters that means I already kill monsters. And girls love guys who kill monsters. Killing monsters is extremely hard, and that means I must be extremely strong. My lanky cross-crounty-running frame must be an illusion, they’ll reason, because he’s resolving to kill more monsters.
2. Girls hate monsters. They just can’t stand them. This means girls like a guy who will be able to keep the monsters away. Especially because it means I will be able to keep our children happy when they are scared of monsters at night. Marrying a successful monster-killer usually helps with stuff like that.
3. Resolving to kill more monsters is quite a lofty goal; it takes lots of taekwondo, crossbow, and disapparation lessons. And girls love guys who aim high. Especially with respect to crossbows: if you want to kill a monster on the first try, you really have to aim for the head.
4. This resolution has a strong implication that I am not a monster. And since girls hate monsters, marrying one is one of the worst things they can do. Not only would they never forgive themselves, but their girlfriends would never stop making fun of them for it either. “Susy married a monster, Susy married a monster! Have fun cleaning up all those dishes! Ha ha ha!” (Monsters leave a horrible mess when eating.)
In other words, this is looking to be a pretty good year.
Comments (4)
LOL. A really big LOL there.
I thought you meant the monsters, within and without, that Nietzsche talks about. Chicks dig guys who can kill their own monsters, too.
When I was a little girl, and I was scared of the dark I had Monsters as friends. They would stand guard around my bed all night long. I always fell asleep naming them: Hurricane, Tsunami, Winter, Torrent, etc. What do you have to say about chicks like me who like monsters? …and there is one hole in the “girls marrying monsters” theory… ahem, Beauty and the Beast?
@Linley_K -
What! But he turns into the charming prince!
And I’m not a taxonomical expert on things like this, but I’m thinking a beast might not be the same thing as a monster. Mmm? Mmmmm?
You like monsters. Hmmm. Well, here’s what I guess I would say. The things that guarded you at night – Hurricane and all the rest - weren’t real monsters. By being good, they forfeited their monsterhood, just like a man forfeits his manhood by watching The Notebook. The Princess Diaries is another story. That’s a good movie. But certain movies are simply unacceptable. After giving into watching them, no remasculation is possible.
So those guys were good monsters, i.e. they were not really monsters. They may have been weird looking, and very powerful, but I think they were more like superheroes than monsters.
Then again, I suppose Monsters Inc. refutes everything I’ve been saying. Crap.
Ok . . so I guess I want to kill more bad monsters. Tsunami and Winter, rest assured, are quite safe.
@christykim -
If I am talking to a philosophically-minded girl, then bam, all of a sudden I’m her ubermensch. I’m totally fine with that.