January 15, 2011

• Girls like to shop for armor

  Recently I was thinking about why it is that humans kill animals and don’t feel bad about it, but when they kill other humans we think they have done something terrible.  And then it struck me.

  Animals are naked.

  If you kill a clothed creature, of course you have committed a heinous crime.  But if it’s naked, who cares? 

  I have several pieces of evidence to support my theory.

  1) No animals wear clothing.  There are no Pooh bears out there in nature wearing little red shirts.  Doesn’t happen.  Some of them have fur, but other than that the animal kingdom is one big nudist colony.  Could this really be just a coincidence?

  2) Humans feel the need to put on their clothes in private, and they immediately panic if anyone happens to intrude on them doing so.  This is because humans want to survive.  Naturally, they are going to become crazed and afraid whenever they feel that survival is threatened – such as when they are naked.

  3) This is what makes sex so special.  It is two people naked together.  So having sex with someone is like saying, “I trust you to not kill me.  We’re naked, which means you could and it would be ‘off the record’.  But I trust you.”  How beautiful. 

  There do exist some humans so nefarious in composition that they kill humans even when they have their clothes on.  But we all know those humans are crazy.  Someday I’ll write a dramatic movie scene where one guy has a gun pointed at him by another guy and says, “Dude, I’ve got my clothes on, don’t do this.”  And everyone in the audience will be in tears, because he does have his clothes on, and thanks to the costume department it will be a brilliantly good-looking outfit.  What a tragedy.

  Little did you know as you get changed each morning you are in fact putting on ‘soft armor’.  You are taking away other people’s licenses to kill you.  Again, this is why the dream where you go to school without your clothes on is such a nightmare.  This is why streaking is so insane.  People putting their lives on the line – and for what?  Being the life of a party of drunken people?  Really so worth it?

  So please please please - wear your clothes.  Your life depends on it.

  • 3:25 pm
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