What does it mean to be a friend?
I started thinking about this when I began thinking about someone saying ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad friend.’ Now, the fact is, you have been a horrible friend to lots of people. Think of that one person you met that one time that you see every now and then: you haven’t called them, you haven’t written them, you didn’t pick them up when their car broke down. By all accounts, you have been a terrible, uncaring friend. You didn’t even tell them things would get better when they got fired from their job. Heck, you didn’t even know they were fired.
The reason, of course, no one thinks this is a problem is that you weren’t really supposed to be a friend to that person. They aren’t really in your life. So the people you can say ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad friend’ to are the people that are in your life. But who is in your life?
People come and people go. That is the problem. Sometimes you drift apart from old friends…and that’s that. It wouldn’t really make sense to call them up and talk about what a bad friend you’ve been…because in a way, you’re not really friends anymore. You’re not the person they called when they were fired, or when thye broke up with their steady. Right now, that’s someone else for them.
It is very easy to define who your spouse is: a spouse is someone you have vowed, probably in public, to do life with. If you start being a bad spouse, you know who to apologize to. But there are no contracts in friendship; there is no way of establishing who is definitely in or definitely out. We talk about our friends after-the-fact. The people who end up being our friends are our friends; our spouse is who we will love, but a friend is someone we’ve gotten close to. It is a fact about the past.
And yet with no contract, who your friends are can also change. And this is because closeness is often based on proximity.
I read an article the other day about how Americans have started walking drastically less than they used to. A person in an agrarian setting walks between 12,000 and 18,000 steps a day; the average American only walks about 5,000. The article was right about why this is, too: it’s because the places you go are all driving distance apart. Your school, your work, your church, your home, you grocery store, your library; these are probably all in different parts of the city.
The day my hatred for facebook was born was sometime in November. I was alone and listening to the song Suburban War by Arcade Fire, a song about the loss of old friends. In it Winn Butler sings,
Now the music divides us into tribes
You grew your hair, so I grew mine
You said the past won’t rest
Until we jump the fence
And leave it behind
And my old friends,
I can remember when
You cut your hair
We never saw you again
Now the cities we live in
Could be distant stars
And I search for you
In every passing car
That night made me realize all the people I was friends with on facebook who were just like Butler’s friends: you grew up with them, but then they left. Cities don’t magically become connected when a person’s picture is on your computer; your lives are more so distant stars. There are people I look for in cars, and it’s never them; just a ghostly semblance, probably someone else who is in a different city than all the people they grew up with.
Thus, one of the things that determines friends, that can let you say ‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad friend’ to someone, is proximity. This is why high schoolers use that phrase more than others. You see your friends everyday in high school; if you aren’t being a good friend, it becomes apparent.
But we don’t meet with the same people in the same building for broad swaths of the day anymore; that is an era of the past. And the problem this brushes over is the one of affection. The way you grow affection for other people is by being around them all the time. People you don’t even really see yourself with, you will grow affection for if you are around them enough. You will start to see the way their habits work, the way they integrate things, the way their personality responds to different situations.
But if you aren’t around people all the time, you will probably judge that they wouldn’t be very good for your life, or you will think they have a limit; you will only go so far out of your way for them. Friendships do not thrive on such a basis; it is rare that there is someone that is perfect for you. Other people are actually much different than you, and if you choose to only intimately know the ones that are like you, you will live a very lonely life.
I have never been very cosmopolitan, and so my life is in fact quite local. I live in a house with six other people who go to my church, which is about a fifteen minute walk away. In between my house and church is where I work, and right across the street is the school I am going to graduate from. All right there, nothing more than about a fifteen minute walk away. And this has let me get to know some people quite well; I see people’s lives, each of the places that comprise what they do. It lets me know what they’re talking about when they tell stories. It’s incredible, and I love that it ended up this way, that I know the people I do. But of course, things do not stay; I will graduate, I will move, maybe switch jobs….and slowly everything will spread out, and I’ll be just like everyone else.
Friendship is something about which Christians and nonchristians take very different attitudes. I find that nonchristians value friendship much higher than Christians do, and marriage much less, while for Christians it is the other way around. Many nonchristians I know do romances on the side of their life of friendships, and when they fail, it is fine because they have their friends. Christians, on the other hand, see marriage as a main goal of life, the thing to do, and friendships are the things on the side.
It might not be surprising to know that I like the nonchristian view here; I think that one should aim at having friends, and build your life around that. The deficiency in the typical nonchristian view, however, is that they do not value time-grown affection; they often get rid of people they do not ‘like’. (Christians do the same thing and shouldn’t. But my house at least is an attempt in the other direction.) Then, of course, even the people they do ‘like’ they often find they do not totally like. ‘Love your enemy’ ends up applying to everyone we know at some point or other. And thus, they too end up in the world of rotating friends, of life mobility, of unknownness.
That is why friendship is a fading art. Your closest friends may be based on similarities, but you will only feel close to other people if you are around them a lot because you are forced to be. But we aren’t forced to be around others, and so you only meet up with people by going out of your way to do so. But the less you are around others, the less you see a reason to go out of your way for them; a fine catch-22 if there ever was one. The world has spread itself out, and we have quietly felt the effects.
There is no tidy solution to this; the problem is distance, and if the different parts of your life aren’t close together, what can you really do about it? I remember years ago reading a Xanga that said it is worth staying in a city to keep your close friends. I was young and had never thought of moving away for a job, so I thought that was very interesting. The thought is perhaps the only basic one we can wield against the modern world’s vastness: be intentional about keeping something. For just as the two words I’ve learned about so many times in life is ‘You’ll forget’, the two words I would suggest are true of a friendship staying if you don’t try to make it are: It won’t.